The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
You Might Also Like
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
How it started How it’s going
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy