@shutupmikeginn: I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I'm doing well and he's 17 which is very old for a dog

@Mindless4Miles: Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

@donni: "I'm still at the airport, actually." -A woman next to me on the train just now

@WilliamAder: Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?

@ImaFlyontheWall: Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.