@weinerdog4life: The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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@puppy_eggs: It's wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
@weinerdog4life: Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
@ElleOhHell: [front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*