The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood