The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
They grow up so quick
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.