This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously