“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
You Might Also Like
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.