What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
You Might Also Like
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.