[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Happy Febuary everyone!
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
(Jupiter –
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.