The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Does your wife know you’re single?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.