[the middle of showering] I need a break
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…