I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?