The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”