The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
This is a bad sign
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.