*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
In Canada they just call them geese
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.