The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys