The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat