the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: thatâs my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
đ
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
guys i’ve cracked the code
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into âhermit modeâ and Iâm like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank goâ”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.â
This was a terrible day, Iâm having live grenades for dinner.
đ¤Łđ I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and itâs still today
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
When someone tells me theyâre a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: âwow your parents mustâve yelled at you to do your homework a lotâ
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you donât actually know what you said yes to
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied âI hope it doesâ, but autocorrect changed it to âI hope it diesâ and I just noticed now.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the â¨aestheticđ of my apartment
also me: egge?? đŽ
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.