@afairiesweetear: the most challenging thing I've done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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@QwertyJones3: Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
@mrtruthandsoul: The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted
@jonnysun: *wakes up before alarm goes off* please be 5am please be 5am *checks time* 2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
@t_cuppp: Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.