the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.