The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.