the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The “baby” on the left….
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro