The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it