The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I’m not alone. I have ants.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
cyclists
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera