the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
You Might Also Like
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
How do dragons blow out candles?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.