Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You Might Also Like
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
spicy snake
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.