11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
HELP 😭
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’M CRYINGGG
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.