The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Perfect.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.