The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.