the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You have been warned.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
fixed it
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…