The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok