The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.