*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van