You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me sliding into hell like
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
this is the best interaction on twitter
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
sin harder.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some