The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush