@JohnLyonTweets: The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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@Reverend_Scott: [interview] "What's your strongest trait?" My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me??" GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch] THE JOB
@TheTweetOfGod: "Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
@3sunzzz: You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!