The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.