“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
You Might Also Like
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
😏😏😏
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.