The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Meow