the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol