DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.