The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Natty or not?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!