@briangaar: The new Batman is super realistic -- he's attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
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@loserlexii: ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it "stay in stool" haha like school haha cuz it's a stool ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb
@DanielAda1960: Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.
@thenatewolf: HER: it's so romantic when the power goes out ME: listen if we don't eat all this ground beef we'll have to throw it out