@briangaar: The new Batman is super realistic -- he's attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
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@beefman138: Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night. Me : Well that's all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
@smashbrown_: U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@MissBamantha: A Haiku For My Salad: I do not like you You will never be grilled cheese You make my mouth sad