Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.