Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My dating profile:
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
fly smarter, not harder
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
This did not end as expected.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄