the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Well, shit
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
this isn’t threatening at all
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.