“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
You Might Also Like
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.