@dysondoc: The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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@charliedelta7: If I see you selling weed, I will call the cops.... and report a robbery across town..... then come over and buy some weed. Safety first.
@caseytduncan: I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
@jazmasta: *i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine* "Hold tight son...WAIT! If u are here then.." *son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"