@dysondoc: The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS
@SirEviscerate: *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden's office in an entirely different prison* aw come ON
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: I'm growing some vegetables. Me: What if the pig eats them? Wife: Then I'm growing porkchops.