The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
This is my cat’s medicine.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.