The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Hotels are back
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees