The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I identify as an antique shop.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week