Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.