The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
You Might Also Like
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My daily affirmation
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*