@MenCodes: The New Yorker has 0 chill
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@goldengateblond: Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I'm hiring her as my personal trainer.
@OneFunnyMummy: My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
@NurseSeymour: Waitress: need anything else? Me: yes, a cup of black coffee. W: and how would u like your coffee? M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need one of those thingamajigs. Receptionist: What? Me: You know a doohickey. Receptionist: This is a— Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.