if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
john wicks are toilet candles
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?