@HuffPostComedy: The news in a nutshell.
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@BrandonBrown522: Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
@sickipediabot: When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.
@tweetsauce: This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
@Real_Dick_Head: Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.