@HuffPostComedy: The news in a nutshell.
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@ceejoyner: I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
@Sir_Strange: Women who don't even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder. I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
@squirrel74wkgn: [using Apple Pay] Cashier: Tilt your phone Me: *tilts* Cashier: Closer Me: Ok Cashier: Stand on one leg Me: Huh? Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans Me: What? Cashier: Eat this apple
@eedrk: Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help. Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey