@HuffPostComedy: The news in a nutshell.
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@Phook75: The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
@AsaAkira: A lot of you are calling me "mom" lately. Is it cause I'm old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it's cause I'm old.
@SortaBad: [karate tournament] coach: Billy sweep the leg! me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head! *Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
@Carbosly: You say "save the date", I hear "more time to come up with an excuse of why I'm not going."