*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.